Curled in a ball on the laundry floor unable to move and defenceless against the thoughts of my mind, I counted all the ways I might be able to end it. End the constant rollercoaster of emotions that pulsed through me, day after day. Dreaming of a cessation to my pain and suffering, some way to numb it all down. An escape from waking up each day after a nightmare to realise the dream was real. Walking through it again and again like some kind of ground hog day.
I had tried every escape mechanism I knew. Stoicism - stiff upper lip and all of that. Play acting - if I look all together no one will guess that my insides have been ripped apart and my heart is hanging by a thread. Perfectionism - I am in control and everything that isn’t right can be made so by me. Heroinism - cape securely fastened and superhero stance well practiced.
I had tried them all and here I was unable to move and unable to stop thinking. And then it came like the cool darkness on a hot summer’s night. The numbness arrived and my mind switched off.
Three years I had managed to keep it all together with a mixture of the above. Then one Sunday, actually Father’s Day Sunday, it all unravelled.
I guess if I looked closely, I could have seen the landslide threatening to release all day. Small pebbles intermittently escaping and sliding down the slippery slope, a slight twitch inside my brain warning me to slow down, a low inaudible rumble somewhere deep inside me. So, it came. The emotion held in had been building and filled me to full. The release was inevitable although surprised everyone. A volcano with nowhere to go erupted; allover my husband, all over my kids, all over my home. Our sanctuary now defiled by the vile emotion of my inner most being.
This blog was born, many years ago and has seen a few makeovers as time has gone by. It started with a rainbow and we all know rainbows are preceded by a storm. This was the storm that birthed my rainbow. This was the point where God stepped in and asked, “Now can we try it my way?”
He began by gently opening my eyes to the world around me until I allowed Him to carefully walk me back into the colourful memories of my past. Each one He presented to me in the shape of a rainbow. Showing me joy in each moment and helping me to understand the significance. It was slow, giving me the space to gather my strength while walking the path. Until the day He whispered to my soul,“Write. Share these moments you uncover. Tell other people so they might know and understand, they too can find the rainbows after their storm.”
We all have storms. After the first ever storm recorded in the Bible (Genesis 9:12-17), God placed the rainbow in the clouds as a reminder of His covenant promise with me, with you and with all the earth.
I began writing this blog all those years ago as a reminder to look for the rainbows each day. Not physical colours in the sky but moments or memories that would make me smile and help me understand this was not the end.
Moving forward, this blog will be a place where I share His whispers to me with you, encourage you to hear the same voice and create a space of real faith, real hope and real love while not discounting that real life has its challenges.